Mr. Rogers said: “If it’s human, it’s mentionable. If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable”.
We love this quote because it is so applicable to anxiety. The more you avoid talking (and even thinking) about what makes you worried, scared, or nervous, the greater the anxiety you will have for that fear. This also applies to children. Avoiding the “elephant in the room” does not lessen their fears, it only sends the message that it is not OK to talk about how they are feeling and what they are worried about.
We suggest to instead ask what your child is thinking and how they are feeling. Let them tell you how much they already know before giving them more information than they need. More important than giving lots of details is focusing on how they are feeling. Then, you can use basic validation to let them know that you hear what they are saying, you understand their fears, and that it is OK to feel that way.
The most important rule for validation is to avoid the word “but”. If you say, I hear that you are scared BUT you will be alright, your child will feel unheard. Instead, push through your gut reaction to fix your child’s pain and just validate the feelings they are having. When offering reassuring thoughts, use the word “and” so your child knows they have been heard AND you can give them accurate information to make them feel more in control of the situation. Here are some examples:
“I can tell you are really worried about grandma. I am too. When I get worried about her, I call her to say Hi and let her know that I miss her. Also, for right now, we aren’t visiting grandma to help keep her healthy, just like we have been instructed to do. We are doing everything we can to keep Grandma healthy so the only other thing to do is to reach out to her as much as we can to help her not feel lonely. She loves when we talk to her, it makes her very happy. Is there something you want to do to show grandma you are thinking of her?”
“Wow, someone told you that you might die from the coronavirus? That is a very scary thing to hear. I’m sorry they said that and you have been thinking about that for a while. And, I do know that, when people are scared, they sometimes say things they don’t mean or they pass along information that isn’t true. I wonder if your friend was just scared and said something without really thinking it through. Right now we are doing what we have been told will help us to stay healthy and get through this. It is our job (parents, caregivers) to keep you safe so just let me know if you want to know all the things we are doing to protect you and our family. Or, you can just trust that we are and focus on the downtime we have for a few weeks.”
~Dr. Sam